Movie dream projects, part two

  • My Àntonia — It’s public domain, and one of the great American novels.

    Prodco Exec: Didn’t that get Made For TV? And wasn’t Doogie Howser the lead?

  • Pride of Chanur — Space opera! Cats as heroes! Implicit feminism! Battles! Negotiations! Betrayals! Now, imagine all this… as a Japanese animé. Wouldn’t that just flipping rock?

    Prodco Exec: Errrr…. that backstory, all the political stuff? Kind of… complicated, isn’t it?

  • Francis Drake biopic. — War against the filthy Spaniards? Check. Booty and plunder and gold? Check. Can’t get back the way we planned? Fine, we’ll just circumnavigate the planet — f*** the Spaniards! Drake was another serious badass.

    Prodco exec: This sounds more Master and Commander than Pirates of the Caribbean to me. And Master and Commander lost money.

  • Whiskey Flats (aka Rum Run) — I grew up on a river on the Canadian border, and soaked up lots of stories from Prohibition from people who were there. Always wanted to make a movie out of it. Imagine a frozen over river, night under a full moon, and Model As chasing each other across it, with Tommy gunfire being exchanged. To the tune of “Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen” in a swingin’ instrumental version.

    Prodco exec: So what’s the plot? <crickets>

  • With Dignity — This one I’ve actually put through three or four drafts over the years, but I’ve never hit the tone I want. The basic plot is that a feisty, terminally ill old lady (Chinese) has decided to choose her own manner of passing. Her daughter (American) objects, of course; and the local prosecutor tries to climb into the national spotlight on both their backs. Trouble is, I want it to be funny. A black comedy with a heart.

    Prodco exec: Sheesh, why don’t we just have Dr. Kevorkian cameo in Scary Movie 4. Wouldn’t that be easier?

  • Treasure Hunter — I don’t want to direct this (necessarily), I just want to play Conrad the sidekick. It’d be a hoot.

    Prodco exec: You? Act? Riiiiiiight.

  • Patterns — Remake Rod Serling’s brilliant script. Try and get it right this time (the first film version is adequate, no more). If for no other reason, then just for that amazing twist in the climactic scene.

    Prodco exec: Serling? He’s dead. And preachy.

  • Toilers of the Sea or Ninety-Three. I just want to do justice to Hugo.

    Prodco exec: Who’s even heard of these?

  • The Vor Game — I’ve no desire to do the whole Miles Vorkosigan saga, but this one has such a brilliant rugpull in the second half that I can’t resist it.

    Prodco exec: The hero’s a gimp? Next, please!

  • A Deepness in the Sky — Traders battling authoritarians over a planet with nearly-technological aliens?!? RIGHT ON!!!! Plus, that mythic prologue is just cool.

    Prodco exec: Which of the 800-plus pages of plot are you going to cut? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

  • The 9/11 Evacuation of Manhattan. — The story of spontaneous organization and heroism runs directly contrary to the Hollywood cliche of how Americans react to disasters.

    Prodco exec: We can’t make this! The story of spontaneous organization and heroism runs directly contrary to how we know Americans react to disasters.

  • Buster Keaton biopic. I love Keaton of course, and think his story would make an interesting study of the disaster that being too focused can bring, and how to deal with such disaster with character and dignity.

    Prodco exec: How is this relevant? Get Depp to star, then we’ll talk.

  • Mr. Laurel & Mr. Hardy — a semi-biopic of the comic duo which would also examine the impact “mere” comedy can have on others’ lives (in a fictional counter-plot). The trailer has been living in my head for nearly a decade.

    Prodco exec: Who cares about Laurel and Hardy anymore?

This entry was written by Ian Michael Hamet, posted on 23 May 2005 at 9:38 pm +0800, filed under Movies. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

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