Shhh! If we're quiet, maybe he'll stop bothering us . . .

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This entry was posted at
6:58 GMT on 23 February 2004

Here are the last two messages I've received from T-Mobile:

Response (Everyone) - 02/18/2004 01:42 AM
Dear Mr. Salam.

Hmm. "Salam" is an Arabic name. "Hamet" is Flemish. I grant that it is close to Ahmet, an Arabic given name (though not surname, as far as I know). But come on, Salam is nowhere near Hamet. I guess this tells me just how much care they're taking with my case.

Thank you for taking the time to contact T-Mobile.

Isn't boilerplate friendly and reassuring? I feel better already, knowing that this is automatically included in every message they send out, without a human being actually needing to actually even type out that he is thankful.

We understand you wish to have this reviewed by a supervisor. We have been assigned this issue and are fully empowered to assist you with all questions, disputes and concerns.

This is the kind of thing that makes me wish I had one of these jerks alone in a room, with a chair, some duct tape, and bamboo shoots (although hairpins or needles will do in a pinch).

"They" understand my wish. "They" have been assigned. "They" are "fully empowered" to assist me.

Which all might sound nice . . . to someone who cannot think. But to me, they have still said precisely nothing about what they will actually do to actually help me, let alone whether they will actually apologize for the actual lies that they actually told me.

You know, if I can just get one of these bastards to speak plain English, and actually say that they aren't going to do anything, I might call it a moral victory.

If you have any other comments, questions, or concerns, please feel free to contact us.

Oh yeah, contacting these guys has been so helpful thus far!

Sincerely,
T-Mobile USA, Inc.
Jeff
Customer Care Specialist

You know, for a "specialist" he is remarkably ineffectual.

Now this next one will seem more obtuse than it really is, and it is my fault. Sort of.

See, I changed the subject line in one response. And thus deleted the Incident Number included therein. Which means they started a whole new line of inquiry, even though I was obviously responding to one of their Customer Care Specialist-bots (if you don't put text between two particular lines in your response, they will ignore it).

So I fouled up their Rube Goldberg response system, and this lady is ignorant of what went before.

Response (Linda B.) - 02/18/2004 01:54 AM
Dear Valued T-Mobile Customer,

Thank you for taking the time to contact T-Mobile.

If you can please provide us with your 10-digit mobile number and the last 4 digits of the account holder's social security number for verification, we will be more than happy to research this issue further.

Sorry. No way in hell will I give them anything until they state, in writing, just what they intend to do.

Plus, I do not want to go through the whole "that account is no longer active" dance ten more times.

If you have any other comments, questions, or concerns, please feel free to contact us.

You are a valued customer and we want you to know that T-Mobile appreciates your business. Our goal is to provide World Class customer service and we hope that we have provided you with that today.

Now this is new.

If their idea of "World Class customer service" is to lie incessantly, then deny any untruths, and to stick mindlessly to their policy even when the reasons for that policy have repeatedly been demonstrated not to apply to this one case, well, yeah, World Class it is.

As far as I'm concerned, however, they remain a pack of unaccountable lying bastards. Meaning they've fallen dismally short of their goal. Which, of course, means about as much as a "mission statement," i.e. nil.

Sincerely,
T-Mobile USA, Inc.
Linda
Customer Care Specialist

Anyhow, these two messages arrived two days after the last message I sent them. Since then, five days now, nary a word.

Another blog linked my story, with a customer service horror story of his own: Diet Coke for Breakfast. His rules for CSR difficulties are good, too. Sadly, I took few notes, and what ones I did take have gone to the landfill (hey, I had to ditch something to make the trip to Shanghai).

So, do you think T-Mobile will actually do anything?

Personally I think they're just hoping I shut up and go away. Which will not happen until they answer for their lies and deceptions.

This week, Carnival of the Vanities!

In case you haven't followed the sordid saga thus far, here are the relevant posts:

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